“People don’t change.” Have you ever heard that? Or perhaps you’ve even been the one to speak it. It’s pretty common thinking, and seems to have become even more popular of late, which is odd in light of the recent discoveries concerning neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life)and neurogenesis (the creation of new brain cells in adult brains).
“People don’t change” is most often an expression of exasperation. As a pastor and former compassionate ministry center director, I have seen first hand the far-reaching chaos created by one family member struggling with addiction issues. I’ve heard these words spoken in utter frustration when an addict relapses. These words are also very often spoken near the end of a marriage or other relationship when one party is on the verge of giving up, feeling stuck in the same conflict with their partner—sometimes for many years.
Occasionally there is some level of awareness of one’s own inability or unwillingness to change in the statement. Sadly though, what the speaker most often means is that they feel frustrated in their efforts to change the other person. This really is the crux of the matter when it comes to marriage relationships. Never in over thirty years of pastoral ministry, non-profit leadership, and relationship coaching have I ever heard someone say, “You know, I think the problem is with me.” It seems universal that when we find ourselves in conflict with someone, it’s always the other person’s fault, and if they would just change their attitude or behavior, then everything would be just fine.
Personally, I was in that very place for a number of years, as Janet and I found ourselves in what others have called the “crazy cycle,” or the “pain dance,” or the “blame game.” No matter what label you prefer, the truth is we were just stuck; both of us were convinced that if the other would just listen and make the necessary changes in their thinking or actions, then everything would be better. Because we are both rather strong-willed and of the mindset that divorce was not the answer, we kept the crazy cycle going longer than most people can sustain it.
Some folks get to the point where they decide the fight isn’t worth it, and they settle for mediocrity—but not us. Neither of us was happy, and we were both determined to get the other person to make us happy! Though on the surface we looked pretty together, and most people thought we had a good marriage and a beautiful family, the truth is that things were crumbling from the inside out for too many years, and eventually we found ourselves in a state we swore we would never be–divorced!
The divorce process itself was incredibly stressful, and neither of us truly wanted to go through with it. We dragged it out for over three years. During those years of separation, and the few months of divorce, we wound up working on ourselves instead of each other–and God did some mighty things in our lives. We took very different approaches in our healing. Janet got involved in Celebrate Recovery and went through a 36-step program! (Just kidding. It was a year-long 12-step program, but she went through it three time—three years of working on herself). For my part, I did a year of individual therapy to address my anger, and then took an extended trip on my motorcycle, which I called my Emmaus Road Trip, A Search for the Reflection of Christ in Postmodern North America—which changed my life. I spent four months on the road and covered almost 8,000 miles, visiting churches and ministry organizations. I came home exhausted yet revived in my soul and with a new dynamic in my relationship with God, as well as a renewed sense of calling to ministry.
I won’t bore you with the details of the things God showed each of us during this time. Suffice it to say, however, that we were both transformed by the renewing of our minds, as we read about in Romans 12:2 and elsewhere in the Bible. In other words, we changed! As we recognized the changes in ourselves, we began to see that the other had changed as well—and we fell in love all over again. Obviously, trust needed to be rebuilt, and we both kept working on ourselves in relationship with the one another, with the help of a wonderfully gifted and competent Christian counselor.
One of the things we’ve recognized is that the Bible is far ahead of the old thinking that people don’t change, and science is now catching up with the Bible. As noted above, in Romans chapter 12, God, through Paul, calls us to not be conformed to the pattern of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. In the letter to the believers in Ephesus Paul put it this way: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:22-24 NIV). In 2 Corinthians and Galatians Paul speaks much of the new creation that comes for those who are in Christ (see 2 Cor. 5:17; Gal. 6:11, 15). He says of himself, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal. 2:20 NIV).
The Bible is chock full of not only counsel to change, but examples of those who were radically transformed in their thinking and behavior as a result of their relationship with God.
Science is now showing amazing evidence of both neuroplasticity and neurogenesis. A Google search of either of these terms will provide you with more scientific data than you probably care to study. The point is, despite what we’ve probably been told most of our lives, our brains are not fixed and unchangeable (or worse, only in decline) once we reach adulthood. We are not doomed to keep repeating the mistakes of the past. We can break free of the old patterns and get out of the rut.
The thing is–it’s very hard to do this on your own. It’s nearly impossible to form new ways of thinking when you’re in the midst of conflict and have been doing things a certain way for months or even years. We need a competent guide to help us even consider the possibility of change. As two people who have experienced dramatic change ourselves and in our relationship, we are here to help. Drop us an email or give us a call at 833-3CSHORE, that’s 833-327-4673. The initial consultation is free.