Are You on Autopilot?

Like most people, the COVID-19 “Stay Home” effort has suddenly meant, of course, that we’re spending a lot more time together. And probably like most people, we’ve been binge watching our favorite shows on Netflix, sitting in the same room on our phones looking at Facebook, reading, texting friends, but rarely speaking to each other. We are winding down week three of “Stay Home” mode. After running out of shows to watch and getting tired of reading about Coronavirus in every Facebook post, we’re wondering if maybe it’s time for something different.

So here’s an idea! What if, while we’re home spending so much time together, we use the time to do sort of a relationship check-up? As in sitting together without any distractions and TALKING about our FEELINGS. Heavy stuff, right?

Isn’t it true that marriage sometimes feels uncomfortable and we want to escape – through our work or our kids or our hobbies or social media? One of the most common reasons that couples find themselves wanting to “just have some space” is that there is something beneath the surface that they’re not talking about. Way down deep there is resentment, a result of unresolved hurts, even small ones that have never been worked through. These little things, left to fester, tend to grow and often cause us to want to withdraw from our spouse. Inwardly, we fear that if we uncover our feelings we might be hurt again—and so we avoid issues and leave them buried. The problem is that they don’t go away. They will keep our relationship on “autopilot” where we relate on a surface level, but really have a lack of emotional intimacy. It’s as though we build an invisible wall around ourselves. We continue living life, managing our work schedules, the kids, the household things, even go out with friends, but when we’re alone and all is quiet – we avoid each other. We’re on our phones, or watching TV, doing anything except having a conversation that might make us feel vulnerable. We don’t connect on a “heart level,” and we won’t until that resentment is gone.

Thousands of couples live in this dimension their entire marriages. Unresolved anger, often a collection of small things that have caused hurt over the years, lies beneath the surface, keeping couples from the emotional closeness that makes marriage feel like the best thing we have on this earth, as it was intended to be.

Yet, even when we’ve worked hard to resolve old resentments and are in a healthier place than ever, we still can default to a kind of “settled” dynamic where we aren’t on guard for those things that can creep in when we’re not paying attention. Here’s an example:

Earlier this week, Craig had a particularly frustrating day in his office with some technology. He spent hours and hours trying to make something work that had been touted as “a snap.” Only it was not a snap. He came home later than usual and I, Janet, the dutiful wife (ha!) was making dinner. No, I wasn’t. Actually, I was sitting on the couch with a book. I did get up and greeted him with a kiss—and the waves of heat from his jangled nerves seemed to radiate off him. I could see the tense look on his face, the tightness in his shoulders before he said a word. As Craig animatedly explained the details of his day, my mind began to wander (He was “mansplaining” and I was “listening” while I mentally going through the steps of the new recipe I was to make for dinner—after I finished the chapter). Craig finally finished and sat down with a heavy sigh. Then I began telling him about my own IT issue that day and sat next to him with my Ipad to show him what I meant. He, desiring to help, tried to tell me what to do to fix the problem. While he was still talking, I began clicking this and that, not really paying attention to his instructions—which led to a small explosion—No, my Ipad didn’t blow up, but my husband did! And I, in a condescending tone, expressed my displeasure at his reaction and promptly moved to the other end of the couch.

No big deal, right? Just a normal couple interaction after a long day. But what had actually happened in that few moments? In our old way of communicating, if we had tried to resolve the sudden “wall” between us, it would have meant a long exchange of “You said” and “No, I didn’t. You did…” and on and on—leading to an entire night of silence, followed by “letting the sun go down on our wrath,” which we both know is a bad idea.

What we’ve learned from our mistakes (and lots of couple’s counseling) is that when these exchanges occur there is a way to repair the damage quickly. By putting into practice some skills, it is possible to repair the damage of a nasty exchange of words that wound and get things back to a good place without turning every little slight into a fight.

It comes down to choices. We can choose to consider the other person’s intent when an exchange of words feels hurtful. Did my spouse intend to hurt my feelings? Was that what he was trying to do? Of course not. I know that I am loved and that my spouse desires good things for me, wants to be kind, and intends to treat me as he wants to be treated. So, because I know there was no ill intent, then I can then choose to consider the situation from my spouse’s perspective. Then I can choose from two options. (1) I can determine that my spouse was wrong to “give full vent to his anger” and judge him. I can even explain to him the error of his ways, even use Scripture to “admonish him.”  Or (2) I can take a deep breath and step back and empathize with my spouse.  What did he feel when, after the tremendously frustrating day he’d just had, anticipating coming home to finally relax, he instead encountered more of the same kind of frustration from me—the person he looks to for comfort. What he needed from me was patience and understanding. If I had been attuned to his emotions, I would have realized that right then was not the time to discuss my tech problems. It could have waited.

But I didn’t and he didn’t. We both chose poorly. The only option to salvage the evening was to choose forgiveness – regardless of who did what.

This may sound like sixth grade stuff to you. If so, congratulations! You have more emotional maturity that we did well into our 50s. I suspect, however, that there are many other couples like us who find themselves going down the wrong road in their communication too many times—especially when anxiety is running high and we’re cooped up in the house for weeks on end.

So . . . How about choosing NOT to start another Netflix original tonight, and instead, sitting down together and talking about your relationship? Netflix can wait.